Miami Newspaper Publishes Tips for Adulterers

By Susan Brinkmann, OCDS
Staff Journalist

Anyone wondering how much the media contributes to the moral collapse of this nation need only read the Dec. 13 issue of the Miami Herald in which reporters give step-by-step instructions on how to commit adultery.

In an article entitled, “Adultery 101”, staff reporters say they don’t condone the behavior of serial adulterer Tiger Woods, “but from observing celeb and non-celeb cheaters from the sidelines for years, following these basic rules would help one cover his tracks.”

First, they ban on all photos. “We don’t care if the photos are of you, your body parts, your mistress or the hotel room in which you are sneaking around . . . . If there is a flash, you better dash.”

Next, they advise the cheater to pay with cash, never credit. “You don’t want to leave any kind of paper trail detailing where you have been and what you may have spent.”

Tip three suggests buying a separate cell phone, known as a “booty phone,” to be used while cheating. If that’s not possible, delete all voice and text messages, they suggest, and hide adulterous contacts under fake names such as “Driving Range” or “Clubhouse.”

Their fourth tip is to set definite time limits on when they can contact each other. “No hurried visits to the bathroom to send a message. No checking on something in the garage to arrange a future visit. Treat this like a job.”

Last, but certainly not least, Herald staffers recommend never getting friends involved in the affair and to always have an air-tight alibi for time spent with one’s mistress, such as to extend the start and finish times of trips “to allow some wiggle room.”

P. J. Gladnick, writing for Newsbusters, says the article is so bizarre “it should be marked down as a sign of desperation to attract readers in the midst of a calamitous circulation plunge.”

But for Gladnick, the strangest part of the article came at the end when it was found to be authored by “Herald Staffers.”

“I found that to be an extremely funny inadvertent commentary on the sad state of the current newspaper industry,” he said.

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